Tired of reminding your child … Homework? Cleaning their room? Picking up?

Wouldn’t it be great if they just did it on their own?

Habit 1 is Be Proactive- “I am in charge of me.”

This Habit is the key to moving from dependence to personal reasonability. This means the child is in charge of their choices, the consequences of those choices, how they respond in every situation, and their personal belongings. Do not feel like you need to “water it down” for younger children. They can understand and often will surprise you how eager they are to take charge of some of their own life.

Ways to apply at home:

Allow choices: would they like the blue plate or the yellow, would they like to go to bed now or in 10 minutes, would they like to read or do a puzzle. It doesn’t matter how large or small the choice, practice matters. They can begin to take charge of what is going on in their own life.

Set clear expectations, then let them succeed. Have you ever been frustrated by an assignment you were expected to complete without clear instructions? It can feel the same to your kids. Even if you have done this before, review and clarify. Where does their backpack go when they get home? Shoes? Coat? When you talk about a clean room, what does that look like? Just toys put away? Bed made? Laundry? (Make sure your expectations are appropriate for your child’s skill level.) When does the task have to be completed by? This should always be discussed in a calm tone and in a co-operative manner. If the child forgets the first few times, resist the urge to remind them, wait until the agreed upon completion time then ask if they forgot the agreement? Remind them at that time that they are in charge of their item/space and you are counting on them to take responsibility for that- to Be Proactive.

Let them be Center Stage of their own life. Each of us is writing the script of our life. Role-play with your kids: They don’t get to do something they want. Someone calls them a name or teases them. They forgot their homework. What words or actions can the child choose to use? Explore both positive and negative and talk about likely outcomes of both choices.

Words to use:

• “Would you like ___ or _____? Good choice.”
• “Thank you for being proactive and putting your coat away.”
• “Did you remember to ‘stop and think’ before you responded that way? What might have been a better way to respond?”
• “We agreed your room needed to be clean before you could go to your friend’s house. It does not look like what I picture a clean room to be. Were my expectations unclear?”
• “That sounds like you have a problem. What do you think you could do about that?”
• “Tell me what you are thinking here.”

Would you start a trip without knowing where you are going? Knowing what you trying to accomplish directs all the choices on the way.

Habit 2 is Begin with the End in Mind

Think about how you want something to turn out before you start it. Goal setting is an important skill for success. Set a goal. Then, break it down into small manageable pieces. A great example is a puzzle. You study the picture. Then, you sort pieces. Perhaps you’ll do the edge first. Next, you may find all the pieces of one color, and so on stepby-step until it is complete.

Ways to apply at home:

Point out examples: Share stories from your life, or even your day at work, where you had a goal or task that you accomplished. What steps did you take to accomplish it? How did breaking it down make it easier? Point out examples from your child’s life such as riding a bike, tying shoes, or another skill.

Create a goal: Is there something your child wants that he/she can work for? Better reading skills, a day with a parent, a new toy or game? Help your child set the goal and define steps they can take to achieve it. Make sure it is attainable to create a positive experience.

Look to the future: From the time they are small, adults ask kids, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Help your child identify an interest and then encourage activities, skills, books, or other opportunities that support that interest. Show them how these little steps can lead them to greater opportunities to use this interest in a variety ways or careers in their adult life. They very well may change their mind, but they will know you support them.

Family Mission Statement: What kind of family do you want to have? What does your family value? What is your ultimate goal? Discussing it as a family and putting it in writing can help lead the whole family in a more positive direction. It can be simple: “We are kind to each other all the time so everyone will always like coming to our home.” Or it can be a paragraph. Whatever sums up your family and creates a positive picture everyone can feel a part of. Be sure to include everyone in your family in the process of creating the mission statement.

Words to use:

Reminder: It is important to use a non-judgmental tone. You are inviting your child to think for themselves and share their ideas, views and conclusions with you.

• “What do you plan on this being when you are finished?”
• “Can we break this into more manageable steps?”
• “Do you need anything from me in order for you to be successful?”
• “What other steps do we need to take to reach this goal?”
• “Well, what do you want more, this (immediate) or your goal of (child’s goal?)”

What are the most import “things?” How do we keep track and decide?

Habit 3 is Put First Things First

“I plan for the important.” This Habit is about recognizing what is important, prioritizing time, and organizing tasks so we don’t have to constantly be stressed! Some kind of written planner is a great tool. Modeling this behavior is the best way to teach it.

Ways to apply at home:

Priority Sort Game: Let your child pretend to be your boss. You went golfing/skiing/to the movies. Explain why your report wasn’t in on time. Now you be the teacher and let your child explain how they played instead of doing their homework. Now role-play where you each did your work and studied before you played. Discuss the results and how it feels when we prepare. A good point is how much more we can enjoy our play if we aren’t worried about the things we haven’t done.

Planning helps us succeed. Show your child what you use to organize your time and tasks. Is it a simple “To Do” list? Calendar? Digital Organizer? Help them create a list of things that need to be done in the week. How can tasks be broken down by day? Write it out. Small children can use pictures. Older kids and teens can plan times of day for tasks and include time for leisure activity as well.

Family Time. Nothing is more important than our families. Set aside Family time each week. Let kids help plan the activities. Card and board games are a great way to interact. Go for a walk. Plan and fix a meal together. Visit the library or zoo. Look at old family photos. Protect this time and commit to strengthening your family. Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t go smoothly the first few times. Keep trying.

Words to use:

• “How can we plan to make sure your (homework/chores/project) is completed on time?”
• “Our family is important and I would like to spend time with you. What would be a good activity for us to do together?”
• “Which is more important? X or Y?”
• “I bet you felt really good/grown up/proud to have completed ____.”
• “Thank you for putting first things first. It is so great to know I can count on you.”
• “Let’s talk about this. Did you really think ____ was the most important thing?”
• “I understand (your video game) felt very urgent, but was it really more important than (keeping your agreement to unload the dishwasher?)”
• “How can we plan better for next time?”
• For teens/older kids: “What are some things that just waste your time? What can you do about that?”

I balance courage for getting what I want (my “first things”) with consideration for what others want. When conflicts arise, I look for a win-win solution.

Habit 4 is Think Win-Win

“Everyone can win.” It’s not me or you – it is both of us. Think win-win says there is plenty of good to go around. It is an abundant way of thinking. We are excited for the success of others. We have the courage to ask for what we want and compassion towards others. We use creative thinking to come up with a new solution that can make both of us happy.

Ways to apply at home:

Applaud others: Model being happy for others. “The Jones family got a new car. How great for them!” “Suzy got a new bike? I bet you were very happy for your friend.” Have Family Celebration times. Around the dinner table or in a Family Meeting allow time for children and parents to share something they did well. Cheer for them as a family. Be careful not to compare your children. Praise each for their own accomplishments.

Practice creative problem solving. Role-playing is so powerful. Have your children act out conflicts. Someone else wants the ball. They don’t like what is being served for dinner. Help them recognize what a “win” might be. Sometimes what we want is not the thing, but to be understood. Can they share their feelings in a way the other person feels respected? Help them think about what they hope to accomplish and what the other person might want. Is there a third option? Maybe we put the ball up and all play tag. Maybe the child volunteers to make dinner one night a week. We think of a solution we can all feel good about!

Clarify Expectations. It’s really hard to win if you are playing by different rules. Make sure you are clear with your children, and in all your relationships, what the expectations are. When you use terms like reasonable, enough, on-time, clean, you may think you are being clear, but the other person may have a different idea of what that means. Can you be more precise?

Words to use:

• “You did a really good job on ______.”
• “How can we come up with something that makes us both happy?”
• “I bet you two can solve this. What is a creative win-win solution here?”
• “What is a third alternative? Can we think of a better way?”
• “Can you see this from their point of view? What are you each trying to accomplish?”
• “What is most important here? What do you really want?”
• “What is a new solution here? Can you think of more options?”

Wouldn’t it be great if they “just listened?”

Habit 5 is Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

“Listen first. Talk second.” Too often instead of really listening, we are busy forming our response in our mind. This Habit is about not just hearing with our ears, but looking at body language with our eyes, and using our hearts as well. We listen to understand who that person is, how they feel about something, and how they view the world.

Ways to apply at home:

Pretend listening: Have your child try to tell you something while you are doing something else. “Pretend listen.” (Uh-huh. That’s nice.) Talk to them about how that felt. Have them tell you again while you give your child your full attention. Now switch. Have them play or draw while you talk. Then have them really listen. Talk about how it felt for you and them. Remind your child this kind of listening is an example of Think Win-Win.

What feeling?

Take turns acting out feelings (happy, sad, bored, hurt, angry, hungry, etc.) without words. Try using appropriate actions rather than exaggerations.

Repeat.

Try saying the phrase “I didn’t say you did it” varying the tone of voice and emphasizing a different word each time and discuss the way it alters the meaning.

Echo.

For older kids and adults. Do you have an issue with your spouse or teen. Go to them and say, “Help me understand your point of view on this.” Then really listen without interrupting. When they finish, repeat in your own words what you heard. Ask, “Is that right? Is there more?” When they feel heard then ask, “May I share how I feel about this?” Make sure to voice your concerns in a way that acknowledges the other person’s value using “I” statements.

Words to use:

• “So if I understand, you are saying _____”
• “Help me understand your point of view.”
• “It seems like you are distracted. Is there a better time for me to share this with you?”
• “Is now a good time for me to share a concern I have?”
• “Excuse me, (young child.) Are you listening or pretend listening?”
• “What does your heart think she meant when she said that?”
• “I am concerned when I see (you yell at your sister/unfinished homework/etc.) because I know that you are a good kid. Last week you put away the dishes without even being asked. You are usually so thoughtful. Help me understand what is going on here.”

Seeking to understand may not be fast, but it pays huge dividends in building relationships.

Habit 6: Synergize, is achieved through two or more people working together to createa better solution than either would have thought of alone. It’s not your way or my way,but a better way.

Think of 1+ 1 = 3 (or more).

How is this possible? Well, 1 person + another person = 2 ideas+ many, many more that neither of them would have thought of alone.

It’s taking good ideas and making them better by working together, looking for a third alternative. Synergy is a great tool for families.

Habit 6: Synergize

While learning about Habit 6, the students will:

• Express and present information and ideas clearly in oral, visual, and writtenforms.
• Use their own unique talents and abilities to the fullest; value others’ talents and abilities.
• Cultivate the ability to inspire, motivate, and draw out the best in others.
• Communicate and work as a team in a multicultural and interdependent world.
• Show initiative and entrepreneurialism.

Expect your child to use words and phrases like synergy, working together, 1 + 1 = 3(or more), and “better idea than we could come up with alone” in their conversations this week. You can encourage your child by using some of these words at home. You mayhave an opportunity to share your feelings with your child about Synergize.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw is best explained through a parable:

A woodcutter strained to saw down a tree. A young man who was watching asked, “What are you doing?” “Are you blind?” the woodcutter replied. “I’m cutting down thistree.” The young man was unabashed. “You look exhausted! Take a break. Sharpen your saw.” The woodcutter explained to the young man that he had been sawing for hours and did not have time to take abreak. The young man pushed back… “If you sharpen the saw, you would cut down the tree muchfaster.”

Habit 7 reminds us that we are more productive when we are in balance: body, brain, heart, and soul. If one area is being ignored or overused, the rest will feel the results. A good analogy for children is a car needing all 4 tires; as leaders of themselves, they need to take care of all 4 parts.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

While learning about Habit 7, the students will:

• Demonstrate healthy ways to express needs, wants, and feelings.
• Develop strong intrapersonal skills, self-reliance, self-confidence, and self-discipline.
• Demonstrate characteristics of a responsible friend and family member.
• Recognize the relationship between personal behavior and individual well-being.
• Strive to be healthy for life.

Expect your child to use words and phrases like Sharpen the Saw, 4 parts of myself: body, mind, heart, and soul, it’s like 4 tires of a car”, taking care of myself, and balance. You can encourage your child by using some of these words at home. You have an opportunity to share your feelings with your child about Sharpen the Saw.

Habit 1: Be Proactive

I am a responsible person. I take initiative. I choose my actions, attitudes, and moods. I do not blame others for my wrong actions. I do the right thing without being asked, even when no one is looking.

1. If you have a child that is constantly complaining of being bored, have them brainstorm ways that they could do something nice for someone else, either a neighbor, friend, or family member.
2. Circle of Control: Take some sidewalk chalk and go outside and draw two circles within each other big enough to stand in. The middle one is the circle of control. Give your kids examples of different things they can control (homework) and other things they can’t (weather). Have them move in and out of the circle depending on the scenario.
3. Roleplay: Proactive vs. Reactive. Demonstrate for your kids how to deal with a situation proactively vs. reactively.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind

I plan ahead and set goals. I do things that have meaning and make a difference. I am an important part of my classroom and contribute to my school’s mission and vision, and look for ways to be a good citizen.

1. Have a family discussion about goals and what each child wants to be when they grow up. Discuss things you could do right now to be working towards those goals. Make an action plan and get started!
2. Make a family mission statement.
3. Create a family budget. Have kids determine how to spend and save their allowance

Habit 3: Put First Things First

I spend my time on things that are most important. This means I say no to things I know I should not do. I set priorities, make a schedule, and follow my plan. I am disciplined and organized.

1. Make a family calendar or schedule for the week
2. Chore chart for the kids. Work before play!

Habit 4: Think Win-Win

I balance courage for getting what I want with consideration for what others want. I make deposits in others’ Emotional Bank Accounts. When conflicts arise, I look for third alternatives.

1. Gather old toys that your child may no longer want. Have them donate these to a local charity. Discuss how this is a win-win for them and another child.
2. Community Service: Have your family participate in a community service event (Habitat for Humanity, soup kitchen service, clothes closet, etc.). Discuss afterwards how it was a win-win for the family and for others.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

I listen to other people’s ideas and feelings. I try to see things from their viewpoints. I listen to others without interrupting. I am confident in voicing my ideas. I look people in the eyes when talking.

1. Practice reflective listening. Say something to your kids and then have them repeat back what you said. Do this until you feel like everyone in the family listens without thinking of a response simultaneously.
2. Conflict Resolution: The next time there is a problem within the family have the involved parties sit down and listen to the other person’s point of view. They have to be able to restate the other person’s feelings before they can state theirs or respond to what was said. (“So what I heard you say was…”)
3. Take family time to learn about other cultures.

Habit 6: Synergize

I value other people’s strengths and learn from them. I get along well with others, even people who are different than me. I work well in groups. I seek out other people’s ideas to solve problems because I know that by teaming with others we can create better solutions than any one of us alone. I am humble.

1. Cook a meal together. Assign everyone a job to do.
2. Decide on a TV watching schedule, so that everyone wins. Pick a show to watch together.
3. Involve everyone with the planning of the next family vacation.

Habit 6: Sharpen the Saw

I take care of my body by eating right, exercising, and getting sleep. I spend time with family and friends. I learn in lots of ways and lots of places, not just at school. I take time to find meaningful ways to help others.

1. Have a family game night.
2. Exercise together. Keep a health journal-Everyone sets a goal for the week.
3. Read together! Make your own family book club or set aside a time every day when everyone in the family reads.